A Recovery Blog

This blog is about my continuing recovery from severe mental illness and addiction. I celebrate this recovery by continuing to write, by sharing my music and artwork and by exploring Buddhist and 12 Step ideas and concepts. I claim that the yin/yang symbol is representative of all of us because I have found that even in the midst of acute psychosis there is still sense, method and even a kind of balance. We are more resilient than we think. We can cross beyond the edge of the sane world and return to tell the tale. A deeper kind of balance takes hold when we get honest, when we reach out for help, when we tell our stories.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Freakish Inspiration

Someone left an anonymous comment on my last blog entry. It said simply "You are a freak." I was saddened and disturbed by the comment but I also knew that I left this blog as an open forum and that I have to come to terms with the fact that not all people will like what I have to say. But how they choose to express that discontent is very important. War is all about conflict of interests and without any dialogue, any truce there will be no communication, understanding, positive change for both sides. It is the mature thing to build bridges rather than to destroy them. I want to know perspectives that differ from mine; I want to understand and I want to cross the bridge. But unsubstantiated put downs do little to help any situation. If a criticism is articulated it can lead to new understanding. It seeks to be understood rather than to simply territorially mark and shut out (or worse blindly attack).

Many religious people assert that humans are above animals but I believe humans are animals too. I believe in evolution which in no way affects my belief in a higher power. From atoms to one celled organisms to fish, reptiles and mammals, there is an intelligent design to everything. Without it little would stay cohesive and/or alive. There's sense in biology but there are also aberrations and diseases. Perhaps the higher power is not perfect or perhaps the higher power leaves room for imperfection. For who among us is perfect? Twelve step Christians often say "Hate the sin but love the sinner." or hate addiction but love the addict. What humans do have is higher brain functions that allow us to do just that, separate the illness from the individual through reflection and tolerance. Instead of seeing the addict or abuser as the disease itself and trying to punish them for their illness, we can stop this punishment mentality (animal brain) and start to treat the illness with intelligence and compassion. We can rise above our own (animal) instincts.

I've been around cats nearly my entire life. I love them dearly but they have their own behavioral problems. Growing up my family had, at one point, six cats. After I left home I had, at another point, ten cats. But there was one case in particular that I couldn't solve. I had a female cat named Allie who was repeatedly attacked by three of my other cats, but mostly one, Bubby. It got so bad that soon after I became ill with schizophrenia I decided to bring Allie over to my brother's house. I also brought over another cat Gizmo who had been the mainly nonviolent leader of the pack, so she wouldn't be all alone. But last year Gizmo died and my brother has been uncomfortable with Allie who demands too much attention and whose personality he just doesn't like (he put up with Allie because he liked Gizmo so much). Then Bubby died last Spring leaving me with two cats who only knew Allie when they were very young. This Christmas, since Allie is so old and apparently deaf, I told my brother that I would try to take her back into my household. This is what I've been attempting to do this past week.

The two cats that I have, Ozzie and Moocher, each takes after a particular previous cat. Ozzie bonded with Gizmo when I had him and Moocher bonded with Bubby. But unlike Gizmo and Bubby where Gizmo didn't much care for Bubby and Bubby remained subordinate to him, Ozzie and Moocher are basically compatible with Moocher sometimes pushing the limit a little but never enough for there to be a real fight between them. Ozzie should be the dominant male because he is larger and slightly older but he's so good natured that he accepts Moocher like a sweet brother. Moocher is a small male cat but he has spunk. He's the kind of cat that will moderately bite you to let you know when he's either annoyed or very affectionate.

So far, I have only allowed Allie to be around Ozzie, hoping that Ozzie would take after Gizmo and not act aggressively towards her. And, for the most part, he's been very sweet though cautious and Allie (who is a bit high strung) has generally accepted him within limits. If he gets too close or moves too quickly she's ready to run, to growl, to hiss, so I'm monitoring their progress closely. But I keep separating her from Moocher because I'm not ready to deal with the conflict. I'm already a bit stressed out by the new living arrangement. He, like Bubby, waits outside the door of the room or rooms where I put Allie intermittently and tries to start a fight. He's obsessive the way Bubby was but I'm also pretty sure that he's curious but Allie doesn't trust him and growls and hisses and this just makes him get more excited and tense. Still, they'll never get along if I don't introduce them to each other as safely as possible. I've got to make a bridge, I've got to get past Moocher and Allie's namecalling and try to get them to tolerate each other (and hopefully bond over time). This means when together, constant supervision, encouraging talk, gentle petting, inclusiveness, the way I've been learning to do somewhat successfully with Allie and Ozzie. If I can get that far.

One of my points is that many animals are territorial and fight with each other, just like some humans. They yell at each other, push boundaries and eventually strike out to try to determine dominance. This is the war mentality of our embedded animal instincts. What makes us different from other animals is that we can choose to over-ride our instincts. We can supervise our own behavior. We can change, we have the choice whereas most animals do not have the choice. We carry with us the legacy of carnivores but we are omnivores. A cat can't choose to be a vegetarian (not that I know of) but we can. And we can choose open communication over name calling, peace over war. We have the ability to be tolerant of, flexible with and respectful towards other people. So, yes, in a way I do believe humans are above all other animals...well, some of them. The ones who are able to compromise and engender peaceful co-existence. The ones who strive to stay as open minded as possible. The ones who make bridges all over the place. We have the gift of communication that surpasses body language. If we can use it to heal and build instead of hate we can't help but develop into a finally mature civilization.

As it stands the world is still a mess, but I really believe that that can change. Many people don't. They don't believe in change and growth. They believe in this painful status quo where people who should be fed are starving, where there's always a war or wars going on somewhere in the world, where husbands and lovers still are violent towards their mates and children, and the list goes on and on. They believe it's just the way it is and nothing's going to stop it. And so they adapt to the disease instead of change and the world keeps spiralling out of control. I really believe this defeatist attitude perpetuates so much misery and it's unnecessary. People CAN make a difference, if only just in their attitude. So let's keep the lines of communication always open and stop calling each other freaks and fighting in war, stop letting people (children!) starve to death, stop killing our planet. It can be done. It really must be done or we'll run out of time. There's no law saying we'll be here forever. The planet can survive through all kinds of upheavals, but we cannot. We just don't have the power, not that kind of power but we do have the power to change the way we live and that is a great power indeed.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kate,

Glad you are back. Don't let idiots upset you, ok?

By the way, Kate is one of my favorite names (:

Elizabeth

Anonymous said...

Hi Kate,

Catching up on your posts.

Speaking of training cats, I found a miraculous cure for the little calico.

She has always been a little needy since she was an abandoned wild cat.

The gray cat chills her out, but still, she is always looking for food, etc.

I started stroking her inside her ears (which are very clean) massaging with firm strokes smoothing her ears all the way back.

She LOVES this.

It has turned her into a little bliss bundle, she is much calmer, not so needy, and MOST regal. A little egyptian princess.

Could it be she just missed her mother cleaning her ears?

love
hollis

Wanderer said...

Welcome Elizabeth and Hollis. It's so good to have some warm voices here.

Anonymous said...

Kate,

I only had a minute to write last time, but I wanted to tell you I hope your kitty is adjusting well. I absolutely love cats and just happen to have the best one in the world (: Her name is Zoe, and she's about 13.5 months old. She's a beautiful gray tabby with a cream colored tummy.

I got her when she was 6 weeks old, and she was really sick. In fact, she's been pretty sick several times over the last year, but seems to be doing great now. I don't know exactly what it is about Zoe, but I love her more than I can find words to express. She is my most precious thing ever.

Anyway, enough prattling on about my cat (: Hope you and YOUR kitties are doing well, too.

Elizabeth

Anonymous said...

Well, Kate, you never cease to amaze me. I would, as I told you, have deleted that "freak" comment without hesitation, and thought no more about it. (It would not have upset me, though...I've been called worse). You turned it into a lovely meditation on peace and tolerance and compassion towards other people and love of our planet. Congratulations. You are a good demonstration of your own message.

BD

Anonymous said...

Hi Kate,

I'm sorry someone left you a nasty message. Unfortunately, there are a lot of jerks out there. I get a lot of creepy spams on my blog and I just delete them right away.

Kate, I'm also a cat person. I have five cats and you are so right --- each cat has their own personality. My old cat Morris is 18 years old and as far as I'm concerned he is the top cat in my house. My other male cat, Crabby doesn't seem to think so and I had to seperate Crabby and Morris's living quarters. Morris is now an upstairs cat and Crabby stays downstairs.

I hope your cat will readjust to your home.

Yaya... aka Ing

Wanderer said...

That's funny, we're the clan of the catpeople.

Actually I had a couple of dogs for a while. I saw one starving in an outside run of an acquaintances' house and asked if I could take her. I soon also took another dog from a friend to keep the first dog company. This was while I had four other cats and while I was deeply psychotic. It was too much for me and after a while I gave them away. That was hard to do but I just couldn't give them the attention and care that they needed. After that, I knew I was a cat person.

Thanks everyone, for all your support. You are like a tonic for depression.

Elizabeth, there's nothing like the bond you feel towards an animal you've nursed to health. That's what I've found.

Allie is holding her own. She's been laying low and sleeping a lot when I keep them all together, but the boys do not seem to have the blood thirst that my Bubby had towards her, thank goodness. Actually Ozzie has run at her a couple of times but mostly with bravado rather than any real ill will. It's kind of funny yet it's also stressful. I just have to wait it out, but things are looking pretty good so far.

Thanks BD, I'm trying. It felt good to take a few steps back from the anonymous insult and consider it as something symbolic of a way of communicating that needs to change. The older I get, the more of a pacifist I become.

Yaya, Morris is 18! That's one strong cat. My cats rarely live beyond 14 though I always wish they would. Allie's around that age now.

I have two floors to my house but I rarely use the downstairs, so I have to keep switching Allie and the boys to give them a break from each other and time with me. I'm looking forward to the day when I won't have to do that. Patience is a virtue.