I learned all this about him through facebook emails, but, of course, I had to tell my story, which is not a success story, but a story of dysfunction, abuse and mental illness. He did get to see and respond to some of my artwork and last week I gave him a link to the sample of my songs on the Soundclick site. I listened to my CD from the 1990s again and that inspired me to continue working on some new songs. I have an 8 track tascam portastudio which I bought a couple of years ago, but never learned how to use fully. The reason for that was because after I had made up my CD for the first time in a decade and sent it out to several friends, I began having psychotic symptoms. I thought the music was way better than it actually was and that I would hook up with other musicians and start a band or something, get noticed, etcetera. Needless to say, that didn't happen. My friends listened to my CD, enjoyed some of it and then put it aside, while I backed away from it. In the last two years I have worked on a lot of new songs, but I never refined them, recorded them properly or shared them online. When I thought of Tom listening to my music, I was excited at first because he is a songwriter and musician, but then I didn't hear from him and I started to come down to earth again and get practical. I began to realize that my music is more for myself than for others, though I still have the desire to share some songs eventually online, but mainly with just a few friends.
Tom did get back to me today and he said some very nice things about the music, but more to the point was that he had been busy with his own life, working, playing, teaching and performing. I was pleased by his response and relieved because I didn't this time fall into psychotic symptoms even though I worked on and recorded two songs using my portastudio. The songs I recorded didn't come out well, but I have to wake up and realize that making good music is not about instant gratification, it's about practice. So I will slowly keep working on the music, switch off between that and my reading and writing.
While looking for the owner's manual to the portastudio a couple of weeks ago, I came across some writing that I did in 2002 and 2005 that I hadn't remembered and began reading through it. A lot of it was journal/ memoir related writing, but there was poetry and a couple of story fragments. I was pleased with parts of it and want to type up sections and try to expand them into perhaps a chapter or a section of a chapter. It is good to write and then put the writing aside for months, even years. I may write about the same subjects over the months and years, but there's a fresh slant on each recollection and a deeper resonance. A lot of creative work is just showing up and doing the work, but it is also reviewing, reflecting, re working the raw material. Eventually your personality or voice shines through.
I've also been thinking about getting back into craft work so that I can earn some money this year. I'm going to learn how to make tie dyes. I bought all the equipment for it a couple of years ago, but never went through with it, but now, with the downstairs done and providing a good work space, I want to try it. And I want to make hemp jewelry and do some crocheting. All this means that I have to shut the cats out of my work space, but it has to be done. I've missed the craft work. I used to do a lot of it while I was acutely psychotic and it was very therapeutic.
Many thanks to everyone who has been posting comments lately. I appreciate all of them. Thanks for reading.
2 comments:
I know nothing about music, but I really enjoyed your music. I think it gives you a voice, literally, but more an outlet that combines different forms of creativity. Your songs seem to me to be like little poems. Just because someone knows a lot about music doesn't mean their opinion is good. An old European woman who knew a lot about art once really knocked my drawing off as being "cartoonish" and I knew that for all her knowing about art, she simply did not get ME. I recently gave a woman my husband works with a print of one of my paintings and she was so excited to hang it in her bedroom, but she's worked in manufacturing her whole life and knows little about art. Still, she got ME. I like it when ordinary, intellectually unexposed unsophisticated people respond to my work. I'm smiling right now, because my greatest fans are my family who don't know a great deal about art. It's fantastic when another artist admires you, but its warming as well when the ordinary dude takes a liking too. Don't discount ordinary, they can be quite passionate with their responses. Personally, I always compare myself to other schizophrenics. It isn't politically correct to do so, but I figure they've got the same obstacles as I do, they've got some of the same hurts and disabilities. I know art dealers don't care what an artist's diagnosis is, they only look at end product, but I always care about the hurdles the artist has had to overcome to make their art. Once, when I had money to collect art, I only bought self-taught artists. My dream was to own art by other schizophrenics. I've tried twice to get work from schizophrenics I admire but both times the personality of the artist was so insular and detached and untrusting they wouldn't deal with me directly. Good artists but very fragile souls. So their art remains stacked behind their bed or in their basement. You don't realize your essential strength Kate to put yourself out there in your blog, your letters, and your online published artwork and songs. Please continue to have the strength to exhibit - schizophrenics need ambassadors in the arts. For every schizophrenic who has a public voice there are five hundred who do not - do you think my statistics are skewed? I'm not optimistic when it comes to this devastating disease. Probably the numbers are even worse. The schizophrenics I know lead mostly good lives due to medication, but they are quiet lives.
All my love,
Karen
Kate,
I liked your cd when you sent it to me a long time ago. I thought it was very positive for someone to take the initiative to create her own music and send it to people without fear. Even if it is something you do for yourself, for therapy, if that is helpful to you, and does not lead you into psychotic thoughts, then I think it is a good thing for you to do.
I like your idea of craftwork. I wish I was more artistic, but I used to love doing decoupage, which I learned in a hospital psych ward. Art therap y was great, my favorite thing in hospitals, when they have it!
I'm glad you caught up with an old friend. Having more friends is usually a good thing. I need to meet more of the people I talk to on Facebook, or meet people somewhere else, and actually get to kneow them. Making friends can be frealluyy difficult. Good for you!
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